Practicing Self-Compassion

Sarah Hill MS LPC       

Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, even when things aren’t going right in your life, or you’ve had a failure. (This definition comes from Kristen Neff Ph.D)

Self-compassion may be inherently difficult to understand, but at its basic core it is being able to show yourself as much empathy and care as you do the other people in your life.

Read on to learn how to intentionally put this into daily practice.

Understanding Self-Compassion

 Have you ever had a friend call you and cry when they lost their job or lost someone close to them? I’m sure that you have. When this happened to me, I wanted to cry with them. That’s understanding someone else’s suffering and fear. Self-compassion is when we learn to speak to ourselves in the same manner that we do our friends when they are hurting.

Have you ever taken a hard look at yourself, and recognized that if you spoke to others the way that you speak to yourself, you probably wouldn’t have as many friends? This has been a lifelong struggle for me, and I realized one day that if I didn’t change the direction of my thoughts, I was doomed to live a miserable life.

Techniques for Improving Self-Compassion

Here are some things that helped me to be more compassionate to myself:

1. Recognizing that my expectations for myself were set too high. It’s not my job to be perfect all the time. I also learned that perfectionism is inherently self-sabotaging and set me on a path of having to earn everyone’s acceptance.

2. When I accept myself, others accept me too. When I establish boundaries, and hold to them, the people in my life adapt. Maybe not right away, but that’s why it’s so important to stick to those boundaries. Even when I feel guilty. I once heard a quote from a book written by Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress that says, “A therapist once said to me, “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” I think this is because we hold resentment differently in our bodies than we do guilt. Guilt is easier to manage, and resentment may be harder to live with physically.

3. Practice changing your mindset. For example, rather than saying “I’m trying to be kind to myself,” say, “I’m kind towards myself and others.” This may be very simple, but it is profound. It allows you to make choices that are in line with the person that you want to be. This idea comes from James Clear’s work. He explains, “If you want better results, then forget about setting goals. Focus on your system instead.”
― James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones

YOU are the system. Focus on the mindset of “I am a kind towards myself and others,” and your thoughts will adapt.

4. Listen to yourself about what you need. Are you getting enough movement in your day? Are you drinking enough water? How is your sleep? Are you saying yes to things that should be delegated to someone else? PAY ATTENTION.

If you think that therapy would be a good next step, please feel free to contact me at

sarah@wholeheartedtherapyllc.com

I look forward to connecting with you today!