Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Protect Your Mental and Emotional Wellbeing
Introduction to Setting Healthy Boundaries: What exactly is a boundary?
Melissa Urban, the boundary lady, states “I define boundaries as clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy.”
Boundaries are important as they encourage us to think about how we feel in relation to how other people treat us. Unless we start engaging with our emotions, we may never discover that a boundary needs to be established.
When I was 16 I had a job that I worked really hard at. I was on time, I didn’t call in unless I was dying, and I worked hard while I was there.
There were others in that job that didn’t have the same work ethic I did, and they would often call in at the last minute, not show up, or there were people that would quit in the middle of their shifts. Guess who they would call to come in? Yep, you guessed right, ME. I got worn down from how much I was working (along with school, etc) and my mother could see it. She sat me down, and said, “Sarah, the next time they call you, if it’s not your scheduled shift I want you to say no.” This is a boundary that I didn’t know I needed until someone else pointed out how exhausted I was and gave me permission to say no.
Isn’t NO such a powerful word?
When was the last time you said no?
Where Do These Messages Come From?
Before I started setting healthy boundaries I was exhausted all the time. I would wake up and not even want to get out of bed. I needed to be needed so I always got out of bed. I think that’s part of why I became a therapist. I always feel such a need to rush. Get up and get ready. Be on time. But really what I’m saying is if I’m not on time, they’ll leave, and if they leave, I’m not relevant. I’m learning that the way that I speak to myself has been driven into me by a lot of society’s messages.
It started as a little girl. Well, Sarah, if you want to wear overalls then you’re a “tomboy.” (Why couldn’t I have been a girl that likes to wear overalls?)
No, Sarah, you’re too old to play with those dolls and barbies now, it’s time for us to give them away. What? You’re going to cry about it? What’s wrong with you? How dare you show emotion about something that upsets you. You’re supposed to be a good little girl.
As a teenager I felt stifled and exhausted from “doing all the things that good girls are supposed to do.”
Get good grades. ☑️
Work hard at playing your instrument, but be humble at the same time. ☑️
Don’t have sex too early cause that’ll make you a bad girl. ☑️
Show people that you’re important while also being a wallflower. ☑️
Don’t cause your mother any trouble, she’s tired enough. ☑️
Don’t show your anger ‘cause other people can’t handle that. Find another way to cope that doesn’t involve upsetting anyone else. ☑️
I think you are catching my drift of how I felt “programmed” to think and act a certain way.
How This Plays Into Boundaries
The first thing to think about with boundaries is to remember that you first have to be aware of what’s happening internally for you.
Example: A male supervisor you have at work has a habit of “letting you grow into your role” by brainstorming with you when he has a big presentation coming up, and then he takes all of your ideas and presents them as if they were his own without giving you any credit. And maybe this happens again and again, and when you address it with him he shrugs it off (aka gaslights you), minimizes your feelings, and says “You’re overreacting, Audrey. I don’t understand why you are so emotional about this. It’s not that big a deal.” Ok there Robert, how about you acknowledge during the presentation that a lot of these were my ideas, and that I contributed to the idea as a whole? Hmm, I wonder why he wouldn’t want to do that?
I don’t mean to paint the picture that all men are super-driven, dominated assholes. I know that there are some genuinely good guys out there.
In the above work example, if you listen to Robert, then you start to second guess yourself and how you feel. Sometimes our feelings are not fact, however, oftentimes our intuition is spot on. Think of it this way: Our feelings are our feelings, and they are valid. It’s not for anyone else to tell you how you “should be feeling.” Those feelings are an accumulation of your life experiences, genetics, and how you view the world. How we begin to look at them and observe them is what is important. When you are “overreacting, being too sensitive, etc,” what are those feelings trying to tell you?
When things like this (in the above work example) occur again and again that is known as a pattern. If you aren’t careful, patterns can create a lot of resentment until you notice them and start making a change.
Boundaries: What Are Your Patterns?
So, I’ll ask you, what are your patterns?
Things to think about:
What are things that have happened in your life that have made you angry?
Have you noticed that these are in a repetitive cycle?
Are there specific people that were in your life that you no longer spend time with due to how they have treated you? What specifically prompted you to let go of that relationship?
What are your deal breakers? Do you know what a deal breaker is?
What messages were “programmed” into you as a child and how have they impacted your adult life?
Have you ever noticed a pattern that occurs with the people that you date? For example, repeatedly dating men (or women) that cheat?
When someone crosses a line are there ever moments where you worry about your comfort, emotional or physical safety, and mental health long-term? What emotions come up for you?
I could list a few more, but I really want you to start thinking about where and how your feelings show up and how they influence your thinking and where these patterns came from in the first place.
Setting a Boundary
Once you have come to the realization that a boundary needs to be set, you can start to think about how you want this to play out. For instance, in the work situation when Audrey begins to pay attention that she is unhappy, anxious, resentful with Robert for taking advantage of her, it’s time for a boundary. Remember, setting a boundary for yourself isn’t about trying to control the other person’s behavior. It’s about allowing yourself to take up space and honoring your own wellbeing. Yes!
In Melissa Urban’s “The Book of Boundaries,” she discusses three types of boundaries that you can set. She categorizes them into the colors green, yellow, and red respectively. In her book, she explains that the colors represent “the level of threat that stems from the boundary-crossing you’re facing. The threat could be to your own health or safety. The threat could also be to your relationship.”
Green symbolizes that there is a “low risk” and a person can utilize gentle language when asserting a boundary.
Audrey says to Robert: “Hey Robert, I’ve given it some thought, and from now on I’m not going to be a part of the brainstorming sessions.”
Yellow: There is an “elevated risk, and firmer language” is needed. The language that you use to communicate the boundary is both concise and firm. “Robert, I’ve explained that I can no longer be a part of the brainstorming sessions.”
Red: There is a “severe risk, and your most direct language” is absolutely necessary. It’s recommended that you show the severity of the situation by how you speak. Be clear and direct about what the consequence is going to be and also be willing to stick to what that boundary is. “Robert, I’m uncomfortable with how much you are pushing me. Do I need to take this to HR?”
With each of these boundary settings it’s important to take into account your own physical safety. If your intuition is saying that you will not be physically safe when setting a boundary, listen to that.
How to Protect Your Mental and Emotional Wellbeing
As a female therapist, my mental and emotional wellbeing is sacred to me. Yes, sacred. I give a lot of my time, energy, mental and emotional bandwidth to showing up for my clients. If I didn’t take care of myself, and show up for myself, I wouldn’t have that much left for myself and my family.
In graduate school they “preach” this idea of self-care. “Take care of yourself Sarah otherwise you’ll burn out! Self-care is important!” Yes, well, that’s true, it is, but they don’t teach you a lot about how to do that.
Here are some that I heard in grad school:
Light a candle (are they for real?)
Take a bubble bath
Buy a plant and make sure to water it.
I’m not saying that these are bad suggestions; however, they are surface level solutions.
These are some ideas that I wish were given/taught to me in graduate school.
Work for a company that promotes rest, not overworking. And that they don’t just “give their employees” mental health days or access to free therapy, but they also integrate this into the daily life and culture of the company. (ie taking breaks is encouraged, long lunches are encouraged, free thinking and thoughts from their employees are not only listened to and acknowledged, but also celebrated, and put into action within the company. They have a strict policy on micro-aggressions, racism, and sexual harassment)
Don’t take out student loans anymore than necessary Sarah. Your 35 year old self is going to be hatin’ on you for that.
Don’t have professors that tell you, “Oh just acknowledge the fact that you are going to die with those loans, it’s not a big deal.”
Create a routine and a system for taking care of your physical wellbeing. It doesn’t have to be Crossfit, but you are going to be sitting across from people a lot, and you need a plan of action in order to integrate movement into your daily life.
Have a community in your life that gets you. Like at a deep, meaningful level. This is important to you not just surviving, but thriving.
Your emotional needs are important, and you are not selfish if you don’t want to see 25-35 clients/work 50-60 hours a week to make a livable wage. (What even is a livable wage anyway?)
My point in discussing these things is to help you understand that it’s important to create specific systems in your life on a mental, emotional, financial, and community level in order to be able to not just start setting healthy boundaries, but actually sustain them.
You can’t maintain healthy boundaries all by your lonesome. You may want to right now, but the truth is, it’s simply not sustainable. As human beings we need connection at a basic level. I can’t speak for everyone, but in terms of myself I will say that connection and having people in my life that get me, like really get me, is what helps me feel there is a purpose to my life. And showing up for others while also educating them on how to be in a world of doers has become one of my main goals as a therapist, friend, daughter, mother, and human being. Having these systems in my life allow me to “fill my cup”, give me more energy, and nourish the creative parts of me that were dormant for so long.
I encourage you to begin thinking about specific tools and ways that engage you in this process of setting and sustaining healthy boundaries.
I’ll leave you with this, a small excerpt from Melissa’s book about boundaries:
“Maybe you think boundaries are mean. Maybe you think they’re selfish or uncaring. Maybe you think they’re about trying to control other people. Maybe you've been told all of those things by the people who benefit the most from you having none.”
After reading this, I’m curious, what is one specific step that can put you on the path to healthier boundaries?
If you are interested in prioritizing your own mental and emotional wellbeing in therapy, I’d love to discuss this on a consultation call. Book your consult today!
